Day 90: There Are No Regrets in Life, Just Lessons.

I'm beginning to feel the strain of work to bear itself down on me, especially on Tuesdays. There are days when I'm really tired, but I will not give up.

I need one thing thats consistent in my life.

What have I been up to since I last wrote (publicly)?

Healing I suppose, picking up the pieces of my life. 

It felt like learning how to breathe properly. 

It felt like learning how to walk again. With each step I took, it felt like I was about to fall.

And I have stumbled a few times. 

But I've noticed that with each fall, its much easier to get up.

(Especially when you've got your friends to pull you back up)

I believe that everything happens for a reason. It may seem like its just an excuse or something to say to make life feel a bit better, but its true.

With every stumble, I've learned that it only makes me tougher. Emotional pain is just the same as physical pain. It hurts the first time, but at some point, you just get used to it or you say...enough is enough.

Before, I had a rather naive view on people. I felt that if someone I loved or really trusted hurt me. I should "Forgive and forget" That if you love them so much, then just move on with life. 

Its hard when that person hurts you. Especially when you think they would never hurt you. But when it does happen..it can be devastating. All you want to do is forget that it ever happened. 

That it was all just a bad dream.

I suppose I tend to do that. If its a first time offense, and I really care about them, I just forgive, forget and move on. Generally, i'm an extremely forgiving person. People make mistakes, this is true.


 I never wanted to listen to those "Wise men" I have a problem with authority I suppose. That one should forgive but never forget. It wasn't only until recently that I listened to them. If its something that really hurt you, not only is it hard to forget, you must not forget. 


If you can't either forgive or forget...then pick one.

I've also learned that if that you forgive this person, and they still keep doing the things that hurt you.

Move on and let them go.

If you were the best man or woman for this person that you could possibly be, and they still hurt you,  make you feel less than what you are, or want to look for something else.

Move on and let them go.

If you let this person know what they are doing is hurting you and they still do it. It just means that they don't care. So no matter how much it hurts.

Move on and let them go

If you showed how much you care and they still want to walk out of your life. 

Move on and let them go.

 Sooner or later they'll realize what they lost, but by then, it will be too late.

This is the architectural design student speaking now, but I feel your heart is like a structure. There are people in your life that will come in and just use you for shelter, warmth, basically just taking from you. But, when a disaster comes and there is damage to be helped fixed, and they aren't to be found and/or don't care, those are the people that you let go and do not let them enter your heart anymore.

The people that you want to stay in your life are people that are like your foundation. People what will support you, no matter what you look like or what you do. Without a foundation, you'll just crumble when disaster comes. People who will help rebuild your heart, when it shatters, making it stronger in the process.

Those are the people you want to house in your heart.

Day 84: I'm Still Here.

Hey there, 

I haven't completely dropped off the face of the earth.

I have been posting, in case you were wondering,  but my posts are set on private at the moment.

Its been a long week.

I had a hard time focusing on writing anything that didn't deal with what I was feeling at the time. 

I would just sit in front of the laptop, trying to think of any topic besides my pain.

But, I really couldn't.

I just wanted to hide.

It was hard to function.

Its weird feeling like with each step you take, you're about to fall...when you're not.

And in a way, I felt as though I had fallen.

But when you hit rock bottom, all you gotta do is get right back up right?

But I couldn't do it alone. 

I don't know where I could have been without my friends. I don't know how I could have gotten back up. 

You were the ones to lift me me up and start functioning again.

I'm tearing up now, because its hard to think how...difficult it would have been to deal with this on my own. You all saved me. 

And I don't know how to express that gratitude. I feel that theres only so much words can do.

but

Thank you...I love you.

-------------

Right now, i'm not sure if I want to make those posts public. Perhaps when I feel I am in a much better part of my life, I will.

But you'll see me posting now, I haven't quit just yet!

Day 74: Strength.

Where do you get your strength?


When you feel like you've been beaten down. 


Your inner voice, your fire, passion just beginning to sputter out.


Today is one of those days. 


I'm sorry about today's post.


I'm having a hard time writing.

Day 73: Is it Written in the Stars? in Cookies?...or All in My Head?...

I know a lot of people say that things like the zodiac and horoscopes are all just a bunch of nonsense. 

But I still read my horoscope everyday when I happen to get the Metro newspaper. 

and I still look forward to getting a fortune cookie after the end of a Chinese meal.

I'm not sure why, I guess for me, its like someone is out there, trying to give me some advice. 

Or perhaps fate, trying to tell me something.

I know its far-fetched, and a strange way of thinking, but its nice to think that there is a little magic or mystery in the world.

I guess my motivation for writing about horoscopes and such is because my horoscopes have coincidentally has given me good advice.

and this past Friday was no different.

For a couple of days, I had been kind of doubting myself, whether or not I could actually do this student competition for school. Its a lot work for even three people to handle (the maximum amount of people you can have on a team is three) 

On Fridays, people that are interested in doing this competition, meet with professors that help us and guide us through. 

I really want to participate and I am going to do it. However, there are days when I sit back and look at all the things that I need to do for my classes that makes me wonder if I could handle them all. 

This past Friday, as I was in the subway, I was reading the Metro newspaper and I went to my horoscope. 

I was pretty stunned at what I read:

"Instead of losing your cool over a competitive development, you'll rise to the top and take full advantage of the challenge, resulting in some meaningful accomplishments"

I know its not really advice and that there are thousands of other Gemini's that are probably reading the same horoscope and that this 'prediction' could be interpreted in a thousand different scenarios.

But it I couldn't help but feel much better about my own situation and give me a little confidence.


Now, I'm not saying you should read and rely on horoscopes either, but sometimes a little advice can go a long way

and if reading horoscopes or fortune cookies makes you think about your own life and how you can better yourself or a troubling situation, instead of relying on someone else to help you...

thats not a bad thing right?

.

Day 72: My Mother's Methods of Saving the Environment & Money.

Sometimes I can't tell if my mom is trying to save the environment..

or trying to save money.

Or maybe she doesn't realize that both motives kind of coincide together.

Unfortunately they don't save much time, and when she loses her patience on something...she just gives up.

Here are some of the methods that she uses (or has tried) that not only saved some money..

but helped the environment as well.

1) Farming:

My parents started a small vegetable garden in the backyard a couple of years ago. They grow mainly pumpkins, peppers, cucumbers, sesame, eggplant, tomatoes, and cabbage.


It tries my mothers patience sometimes.

2) Drying clothes in the sun

In the summer, my mom had tried to save some money by drying clothes out in the sun. I would get up early before getting to work to help her hang the clothes. 

However...

3) Heating


In the winter, we try to save money on our gas bill by using the fireplace as our primary source of heat. We get most of our wood by taking them from an abandoned campsite or cutting up fallen trees. Of course, this takes up a lot of human energy. Another issue with this is that 


4) Air conditioning.


My mother also tries to save money on electricity by not using the air conditioner as much.
I personally don't mind the heat, its the humidity I can't stand.


So on humid days, she tries to boost morale by saying.

-----------------------


I have to say though, I think her childhood in Korea made her the way she is now. 


Life was a lot different back then, they didn't have a lot of the appliances that we have now. Almost everything was done by hand. 


I used to complain a lot about the time and energy being wasted on doing these things to save money. But deep down, I have a lot of respect for my mother and her frugal ways.


Though i'm worried its making her more and more crazy.

Day 71: Learning to Crochet, with an Engineer.

I have to be honest, 

When i'm commuting or just out and about in the city, 


I get scared of people that just come up and talk to me.


immediately my body tenses up, and I either look really scared and/or start backing away.


I think its a combination of the news, living in a big city, and having my own share of dealing with creepers that makes me this way. 


But the sad part is that not a lot of people are actually creepers.


that there are genuinely nice people out there just wanting to make conversation.


Like today for example.


I was on the train heading over to the ferry this morning.


when I got out of the train, I heard a voice to my left saying 


<>


I saw a middle aged man smile at me and I politely said that I certainly was.


(the large box and plastic bag filled with sticks probably gave it away...probably)


He started to tell me that he was a an engineer and that all those sticks that I was carrying at that moment, were very familiar to him.


When I encounter people like this , I generally try to be nice and smile and walk away. But he kept talking and following me. Mostly about engineering terms and bridges.


I thought at some point, he was just going to say bye and walk away. He asked me what level of the ferry do I usually stay in and he followed me down to the lower level.


I was kind of scared because I thought he was trying to ask me awkward questions or something. But I didn't want to say "oh I have to go now" because..I was on a boat. Where could I possibly go?


I think I'm just...too nice...I don't know.


So we sat down and he started talking to me more about his life as a teacher and an engineer. He showed me his water bottle that was insulated with a yarn bottle holder that he had crocheted. 


He told me that in this water bottle holder, the water would remain as ice all day and that it was perfect for him to put on his desk because it wouldn't produce any condensation on the bottle and not make anything wet.


He also taught me to only freeze half the bottle. This way the bottle doesn't expand and release any chemicals into the water.


I saw in his bag numerous bottles of different shapes and sizes. He was taking out a crochet needle and some yarn (which he had put inside of yet another bottle)


He started teaching me the basics of crocheting. He didn't even ask if I wanted to learn, he started demonstrating. But I didn't mind at all.


Then he gave me the yarn and needle and helped me learn different stitches. 


The announcer on the ferry said it was time to dock soon. I saw him rummage through his bag some more and cut the yarn to give me what I had been working on.


We got out of the ferry and started to walk towards the train station.


Along the way he explained that I was one of this fastest learners and 76th student. Which, according to him, would have been a good number for a historian.


We were taking different trains and his last words to me were


"If you ever see me again, show me your progress"


and he walked away.


-----------------------------------------------------------


When I headed over to my train, I felt guilty. 


That during most of the time he was speaking to me, I had thought he had ulterior motives. 


But, he was so kind and he just spoke to me like I was a friend.


I don't get to meet people like that often.


Maybe the reason why people have such angry looks on their faces in New York is because they don't want to be bothered by real creepy people. 


and thats such a shame that people like that exist in the world, it makes people afraid to meet others that seem to make the world not such a scary place after all.


(The sad part is, that I don't even know his name)


Its funny that earlier that morning I was debating on whether I should go to class or not with my mother, since I didn't really need to.


She said that I should go, because I would probably learn something today.


and she was right.

Day 70: 'Yea, I Got A Question For You, Why Don't You Go Do Some Work?"

Theres a little game that I usually play with my desk mates (willingly or unwillingly) 

Just to help keep myself (and hopefully themselves) somewhat amused.


and I think it helps us all get to know eachother in some way.

I like to ask them questions that either deal with morality or some tough decision making.

but most of the time, they're just silly.


Here are some questions that I like to ask.

1) If you were stuck on a deserted island, what three things would you want to have with you.


1) a book
2) a guitar
3) pocket knife


2) What would you do for a Klondike bar?






3) Theres a zombie apocalypse outside, who in this studio would you want on your team to survive?




4) If you could hire any architect to build your home, who would it be?


At this moment either Carlo Scarpa or Frank Lloyd Wright (if he wasn't such an bastard)
or me ;D


5) What time period would you want to visit or be born in?


6) If you could meet anyone in this world, dead or alive who would it be?


7) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?


Teleportation


8) What kind of dog do you think best describes _______ or you?


9) What determines what is good or what is bad in this world?


10) If you could make any law, what would you make?


10) Nature vs Nuture?


11) If you could be any animal, what would you be?


an owl


12) If you could have the answer to any question, what would that question be?


13) If you could go anywhere, right now, where would it be?


The moon


and this is all that I can think of for now.


My studio mates also like to ask me questions as well.


they usually ask me..


"shouldn't you be doing some work right now?"


"Why don't you go do some work?"


"Why are you asking this?"


or


"Are you ok?"




(And please, feel free to answer some of these questions in the comments box below, I'd love to know what you think)

Day 69: Tuesdays are Going to Break Me...or Change Me.

Wow, almost two weeks in and i'm already getting tired. 

Most of my classes this semester deal with humanity, ethics, ecology and sustainability.

- Haiti Studio

- Humanitarian Design

- Lighting Design in Developing Countries.

(- Building Codes)

The last three are all on a Tuesday from 12-9, and if i'm lucky, i'll get home around 10:30pm.

While these classes are interesting to me, I often wonder if any of these classes i'll take will be any use to me in the future. Or rather, will I be able to use what I learn and use it to help people.

I have been aware of the sort of trauma and suffering that people go through after a natural disaster or just from poverty. That they lack the basic things that we usually take for granted. They say that people need three basic things to survive: food, shelter, and clothing. 

Sure, thats for survival, but in this day and age, what about living? what about expanding and developing communities? Things like lighting, education, and better technology?

When I first entered this school, I wanted to become a designer that could help people in some way. A designer for the people. But for most of my time here, I never really got a chance to learn about designing for the people until this semester.


I spent most of my semesters learning the basics, learning about more environmentally friendly building methods. And while that interests me, what I really want to do is to help people in some way.


Its one thing for me to say that I want to help people. I have to actually do something if I want to make it meaningful. Because as they say, actions speak louder than words.


Maybe i'm just naive, but it doesn't hurt to dream.


I'm writing this now, at the start of the semester, so that later on I don't just settle for the first job I can get.


So that on days like this when I get home at 10:30pm and have to start working on studio, I don't get discouraged. Sleep is for the weak, foo. 


I have to stay strong.