Day 129: If My Playlists Reveal What Mood I'm In, I'm Mostly Pissed but in the Mood for a Sexy Dance

After design, art, and other things, Music is one of my favorite things.

("Music is My Hot Hot Sex" by CSS, pretty much describes my love for music)

Which means I have a lot of songs,encompassing several genres and time periods. 

and because I have a chronic case of musical ADD, meaning that one moment I may be listening to jazz and then have a sudden urge to listen to heavy metal, I try to organize my songs to whatever I feel like listening to. 

However, I noticed that I really don't give it too much thought when I name these playlists...

Here are the playlists that I have on my itunes.

1) Angry

2) Really Angry

3) Dance Mix

4) Ultimate Dance Mix

5) Sexy Dance Mix

6) Hip Hop

7) Fight Song

8) Why Can't I Sing Like These People

9) Relax

This is actually rather embarrassing, but hey, I think I've subjected myself to worse ridicule than this...(wtf...sexy dance mix? when the heck did I make that..)

I just noticed today that I don't have a 'Happy' Mix or something like that.

I thought that perhaps my dance mix was my unofficial 'Happy' playlist, but wanting to get up and dance is different than feeling happy..I think.

So I decided to make my 'Happy' playlist..today, by going through all my songs and just listening to the ones that I remember made me feel happy, bring back really great memories for me or make me happy just singing along off-key to.

Some of them are pretty embarrassing in my opinion..but hey, like I have said before. If it makes you happy, who cares what anyone else thinks

and so, here they are:


Ventura Highway - America

 Around the Bend - The Asteroids Galaxy Tour

 I Believe in a Thing Called Love - The Darkness

What You Won't Do For Love DZ Remix - Bobby Caldwell

Satellite - Guster

Float On - Modest Mouse

Empire Ants - Gorillaz

Dull Life - Yeah Yeah Yeah's

Young Wild Hearts - Noisettes

 Always - Stevie Wonder

 American Pie - Don Mclean

 The Book I Write - Spoon

 Band on the Run - Paul McCartney and the Wings

 Qui de Nous Deux - M

 Chariot - Gavin Degraw

Do You Want To - Franz Ferdinand

8th Wonder - Lemon Demon

Photobooth - Death Cab for Cutie 
(good times, good times)

Dim Sum Girl - Notorious M.S.G

Four Winds - Bright Eyes

Get Down Tonight - KC and the Sunshine Band

Get Up Offa That Thang - James Brown

Hello Its Me - Todd Rundgren

Duncan - Paul Simon

Hotel California - The Eagles

Dance Dance - Doug

Moondance - Van Morrison

A-Punk - Vampire Weekend

There are a lot more songs than this, but...I think it'd be overkill to add all of them. But you get the idea. (I'm beginning to see that its mostly songs from the 70's that makes me smile)


I'm glad I took the time to make this playlist. After listening to these songs, I feel a bit better. 


I hope it made you feel better too. 

Day 126: Running in the Rain

I suppose you're wondering where I've been or what i've been up to.

I'd like to know that as well...


I can't remember anything that didn't involve my normal daily routine. 


I do know that I was working on a competition, sold my soul to it and became a CAD monkey and Rhino junkie. (Wait...i'm already these things)

The stress of it building up to this week, my mental capacity nothing but giggle fits and ctrl-Z, among other keyboard shortcuts.


Working for a couple of hours each night in the city, commuting home at 12, then working some more can make a person a bit crazy.


This left me little time to actually write about things that didn't involve some angst brought on by crashing OS's, R/U values, tall buildings, and other technical difficulties. And i'm sure you really wanted to read that.


I started hating what I was doing, questioning my abilities as an architectural design student, my life choices, hating computers, why the stupid file wouldn't open,...etc


But this past week was different, maybe it was because I was delusional or just finally cracked under the strain...but I was actually...happy? 


I can't describe it really, this feeling that I had. Maybe it was knowing that this competition would be over soon, or that whenever I finished rendering or making these images, I was actually proud of the finished product. 


Traveling home each night was almost like a meditation session. The commute is much quieter as there aren't as many tourists and people around. I spent most of my time staring out the window, thinking, watching the lights of the city become smaller as I traveled further away from it, looking as though it was a part of another galaxy.


It was a very different feeling than the angst i'd feel during the commute.


My thoughts during this time were mainly nostalgic and at the same time hopeful about the big changes I knew would be occurring soon. 


Maybe this feeling wasn't actually happiness, but more like peace. 


There is/was a lot of anger in my heart, but a lot of love as well.


and I thought I had lost that side of me. 


Yesterday was the last day of the competition. The prints and the cd of the project had to be postmarked that day and sent out. When my partner and I were finally done, we only had 7 minutes (yes 7) to get to the post office from 14th street to 31st. The post office closed at ten o'clock at night. Things definitely got crazy leaving my partner's finger bleeding and myself with a large bruise from falling down halfway on the stairs.


As I bolted out the taxi, I tossed my umbrella onto the sidewalk because I couldn't hold onto it, I ran in the cold rain clutching the giant tube with our posters, up the million steps to the post office.


I found myself laughing, not the crazy laugh that my colleagues would usually hear each night in the computer lab, 


but a laugh that made me feel alive. 


(So hopefully these days, now that i'm free from all this headache, i'll write about things that don't involve my woes, i'm getting tired of it actually)

Day 108: Unexpected family.

There are moments in life where the ordinary or mundane days.

have the little moments that make them suddenly memorable, sometimes extraordinary.

I missed my train this morning and I was the only person at the station.

I went up to this little room where people can go if they want to stay out of the cold as they wait for the train.

I saw a little old woman standing by the window. She saw me come in and smiled.

I smiled and sat down working on a project on my laptop. I could see that she was still looking at me. 

She sits next to me and asks me questions about Facebook, how does it work and what is it for. I noticed that she had an Italian accent.

After I had explained what it was, she shook her head in confusion and defeat. Saying that she will never be able to understand. 

She then asks me where I am from. I told her I was born here, but my family is Korean. 

She told me that she's from a city north of Venice, called Trieste. 

"Its like here.uh..New York" she explained "Sooo many people" she gestured this by moving her arms in sweeping grand gestures.

"Many different kind of people. Asian, Italian, Slovenian, so many" she nodded.

She then told me about her two dogs. Two Pekinese boys. One of them, she explained, was a very friendly dog, the other dog was very mean, 

"Ee hates everybody, eespecially black dogs"

I burst out laughing with that one.

She then told me "You look very beautiful when you smile. Your eyes look like they smile too. Do you have a boyfriend?"

I told her not at the present moment.

She said to me, "ah, do not worry, you will not have too much trouble finding a nice man, but ees more important to focus on your heart first before you geeve it to another man. You don't want to give a broken or a part of your heart to anyone right?"

I teared up a little.

She then told me about her life. How she met her husband in Trieste and then moved to America. They never were able to have children, but they loved each other just the same.

The train was coming soon and we both got out of the waiting room. She told me to be careful while in the city.

"Too many crazy people in the city. Go after nice, pretty girl like you. ees very bad"

We conversed in Italian for awhile. (In what little Italian I could remember) She laughed at my grammer but she applauded me for trying. I was surprised to hear that I could still understand what she was saying. I guess speaking in another language is the only thing thats challenging for me.


It was almost her stop and I was sad to see her go. She squeezed my arm and told me, 


"Remember, love yourself. I love you beautiful girl! Ciao!"

I felt as though a part of me came back.

I

Day 97: Fear

Life is looking a lot better.


I'm moving on from the past more smoothly than before. 

I've been keeping myself busy with projects (and occasional stress venting/craziness/being outrageous with friends)


My classes have been rather exciting to work with, especially since there is a chance for me to go to Haiti for my studio class and Apurimac, Peru for my 'Lighting Design in Developing Countries' course.


I told my parents about this and they weren't all that pleased about the idea. They interjected with stories of people getting kidnapped or getting some tropical disease and dying. It also didn't help that I watched Anthony Bourdain's (I love him) No Reservations: Haiti with my mother. It was generally shot in Port-Au-Prince, the capital of Haiti. Bourdain explained that there isn't really a an answer to the issues that are still trying to be resolved in Haiti. Because each solution could inevitably lead to more problems. My mother voiced her opinions about me going quite loudly, as she saw Bourdain put on globs of hand sanitizer (to lessen the risk of getting Cholera) or the voodoo witch doctors perform rites during Haiti's day of the dead.


But what I admired about this program was that it didn't just show the plight of Haiti, it showed people moving on. For example, local artists and children using the debri to create fantastic pieces of art. 


I understand their fear of me going to these countries. I would be concerned if my child was going someplace where there is either war, disease, or disputes going on. However, fear is a crutch, it prevents things from getting done. My parents like to say, 'better safe than sorry'


If I thought like they did, I would wonder what I would have happened if I had done it. Worse yet, I would regret not doing anything at all. For some things, I tend to jump into situations and then figure out where to go from there. In this case, I don't want fear getting in the way of helping people.


I simply told them that I am not asking for their approval, I am simply letting them know my plans so they don't freak out when I disappear for a few weeks or so. 

Day 90: There Are No Regrets in Life, Just Lessons.

I'm beginning to feel the strain of work to bear itself down on me, especially on Tuesdays. There are days when I'm really tired, but I will not give up.

I need one thing thats consistent in my life.

What have I been up to since I last wrote (publicly)?

Healing I suppose, picking up the pieces of my life. 

It felt like learning how to breathe properly. 

It felt like learning how to walk again. With each step I took, it felt like I was about to fall.

And I have stumbled a few times. 

But I've noticed that with each fall, its much easier to get up.

(Especially when you've got your friends to pull you back up)

I believe that everything happens for a reason. It may seem like its just an excuse or something to say to make life feel a bit better, but its true.

With every stumble, I've learned that it only makes me tougher. Emotional pain is just the same as physical pain. It hurts the first time, but at some point, you just get used to it or you say...enough is enough.

Before, I had a rather naive view on people. I felt that if someone I loved or really trusted hurt me. I should "Forgive and forget" That if you love them so much, then just move on with life. 

Its hard when that person hurts you. Especially when you think they would never hurt you. But when it does happen..it can be devastating. All you want to do is forget that it ever happened. 

That it was all just a bad dream.

I suppose I tend to do that. If its a first time offense, and I really care about them, I just forgive, forget and move on. Generally, i'm an extremely forgiving person. People make mistakes, this is true.


 I never wanted to listen to those "Wise men" I have a problem with authority I suppose. That one should forgive but never forget. It wasn't only until recently that I listened to them. If its something that really hurt you, not only is it hard to forget, you must not forget. 


If you can't either forgive or forget...then pick one.

I've also learned that if that you forgive this person, and they still keep doing the things that hurt you.

Move on and let them go.

If you were the best man or woman for this person that you could possibly be, and they still hurt you,  make you feel less than what you are, or want to look for something else.

Move on and let them go.

If you let this person know what they are doing is hurting you and they still do it. It just means that they don't care. So no matter how much it hurts.

Move on and let them go

If you showed how much you care and they still want to walk out of your life. 

Move on and let them go.

 Sooner or later they'll realize what they lost, but by then, it will be too late.

This is the architectural design student speaking now, but I feel your heart is like a structure. There are people in your life that will come in and just use you for shelter, warmth, basically just taking from you. But, when a disaster comes and there is damage to be helped fixed, and they aren't to be found and/or don't care, those are the people that you let go and do not let them enter your heart anymore.

The people that you want to stay in your life are people that are like your foundation. People what will support you, no matter what you look like or what you do. Without a foundation, you'll just crumble when disaster comes. People who will help rebuild your heart, when it shatters, making it stronger in the process.

Those are the people you want to house in your heart.

Day 84: I'm Still Here.

Hey there, 

I haven't completely dropped off the face of the earth.

I have been posting, in case you were wondering,  but my posts are set on private at the moment.

Its been a long week.

I had a hard time focusing on writing anything that didn't deal with what I was feeling at the time. 

I would just sit in front of the laptop, trying to think of any topic besides my pain.

But, I really couldn't.

I just wanted to hide.

It was hard to function.

Its weird feeling like with each step you take, you're about to fall...when you're not.

And in a way, I felt as though I had fallen.

But when you hit rock bottom, all you gotta do is get right back up right?

But I couldn't do it alone. 

I don't know where I could have been without my friends. I don't know how I could have gotten back up. 

You were the ones to lift me me up and start functioning again.

I'm tearing up now, because its hard to think how...difficult it would have been to deal with this on my own. You all saved me. 

And I don't know how to express that gratitude. I feel that theres only so much words can do.

but

Thank you...I love you.

-------------

Right now, i'm not sure if I want to make those posts public. Perhaps when I feel I am in a much better part of my life, I will.

But you'll see me posting now, I haven't quit just yet!

Day 74: Strength.

Where do you get your strength?


When you feel like you've been beaten down. 


Your inner voice, your fire, passion just beginning to sputter out.


Today is one of those days. 


I'm sorry about today's post.


I'm having a hard time writing.