Day 37: Resolution? Psh, Whats that?

What do I have to resolve?

For as long I can remember, I have had numerous new years resolutions.

each one of them was broken within a week.

1) Stop spending, start saving.

2) Stop eating junk food

3) blah blah blah

I think the biggest resolution I tried to keep for a long time. 

was to stop starting projects and giving up later on.

When I first started this blog, or rather, when I came up with the notion to start it, 

I thought it would make more sense to start it on New Years.

However I thought, "if I don't start it now, I may not want to begin it on New Years"

But then again, why should anyone start on Jan 1st to start a resolution.

Because any resolution, that is important enough to start on the start on of a New Year. 

Is important enough to start now.

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Its been an interesting 37 days so far.

I think that I have become...rather paranoid with posting everyday.

I think about what i'm going to write about for awhile,

and if I know I am going to be out, I prepare to write at that location or write beforehand.

So, in a way, I think that writing this has helped me, in a small way. 

at the end of the day, after each post, I feel like I accomplished something worthwhile.

and I feel better about myself.

I'm not sure what this new year will bring for me, I never do.


For me, its just another day, except some digits have changed. 

Looking back at this year, it was really different from other years.

I lived a different life.

I met so many people.

I've had a good share of laughs.

along with the pain.

but in the end, 

i'm still here.


(Happy New Years everyone, I hope you continue to read this and support my goal)

Day 36: A Collection of Architecture Haiku's.

While cleaning my room,

(Yes..yes..I still am...I've been doing other things though!..)

I found my old sketchbooks from previous semesters.

looking through them, I found haiku's that I had written once in awhile..

(In case you aren't sure what a haiku is,  A Japanese lyric verse form having three unrhymed lines of five, seven, and five syllables. (Traditionally))

I love haiku's. They make sad, silly or even epic moments..even more epic.

they can make you feel all melancholy and contemplative.

and at the same time laugh.

I thought for I would share them with you, for a moment of contemplative reflection...

and for your own amusement ..

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My chipboard is here

Time to get started right now

But..I don't want to.

Rhino, Autocad..

causes so much pain inside...

must render tonight.

Final critique day

All my heart, my mind, my soul

will be mine again.

T-square, triangle

pencil, paper, eraser

another long night.

<>

Sleep, life, mind, laughter..

such things do not exist here

in Architecture.

<>


Free food on second floor.

Life begins to feel better.

Beautiful brownies..

Oh why professor?

why do you hate my model?

Do you hate me too?

<>

Haven't been home yet

Long nights in computer lab.

I miss my own bed.

<>

Fluorescent light bulb.

unknown watts burned per hour.

brain burning out soon.

One sheet of chipboard.

One studio model due.

don't know where to start.

Day 35: Final Critique Confidence Breakdown Cycle.

As I wrote yesterday's post on phobias...

I really thought about about my fear of speaking in front of people.

Especially during final critiques.

I've always had a fear of speaking in front of people. 

 I get so intimidated by my colleagues and professors that I feel like i'm either going to throw up or faint, right in the middle of my presentation.

So, to help me, I always prepare an outline before I present, so that I don't end up stuttering like a fool towards the end...

But in the end...I always do end up like a fool.

First, I prepare on outline, 

I read it over and over til I get it right.

.

I freak out, all the way through other presentations that I going on.

Whens its my turn, I hum 'Taps' to my myself in my head as I walk up, a big, stupid grin plastered in my face.

Freak out some more, do a quick breathing exercise..

Introduce myself from there..

and things go downhill from there.

I start thinking that I shouldn't have started with talking about the location of the site.

Because 6 other people that already presented, already talked about it. 

"You don't have to talk about it again idiot"

This makes me stutter even more..

When the professors or guest crits ask me a question about my work...

a mixture of a lack of sleep and total nervousness takes over..

and its too much for my brain to process.

I look through my notes. Trying to buy some time so I can think of an intelligent, well conceived answer...

But of course. I say something either really obvious or stupid

something kinda like this..

and in my mind...heart...soul..

I feel like all the work I did during the semester..

the confidence I built up...

vanishes within a few minutes.

Day 34: Maybe There Really is Something Wrong With me..

While I was organizing my room. I unwillingly came across a spider.

Not as bad as a House Centipede, but...just as worse.

I thought about, what other fears I have off the top of my head.

I know that I am afraid of insects, doors and the dark.

But I was curious to see what other fears I might have.

I started to look up phobias, which are fears that become unreasonable or difficult to overcome

and I don't think my fears are this bad, but I thought it'd be fun to look them up.

Autophobia or Monophobia: The fear of being alone: I would say that I used to have a fear of this, but maybe i'm more afraid of dying alone then being alone. Sometimes being alone has its perks.My mother keeps telling me that I'm too selfish as a person to live with someone...

Asymmetriphobia: Fear of asymmetrical things:  I think that I may have a problem with this. I can't  look at things that are asymmetrical. I either get annoyed or have a strong desire to fix it..Maybe its the design student in me.

Rhabdophobia: Beaten by a rod or instrument of punishment, or of being severely criticized:

I would say that this would have been a big problem when I was younger (Asian parents and their disciplining methods), but I think I've gotten so used to this, (and from final critiques from studio..heh)

Clinophobia.: Fear of going to bed: While its not a fear, I feel really guilty about going to sleep sometimes. When I have a project or assignment due.

Scotomaphobia: Blindness in a visual field:  Yea...I forget that I subconsciously have this fear of losing my eyesight (for some reason I typed "eyeshit") or my hands.

Batophobia: Fear of being close to high buildings:  I will admit, when I look at a really tall building, or when I stand next to one and look up, I get a little scared. As if the building could fall down any moment...not a good fear if I want to become an architect.

Scelerophobia: Burglars or being harmed by wicked persons: I think a lot of people have this fear.

Taphephobia or Taphophobia: Fear of being buried alive, being in cemeteries: I get a little scared of being in a cemetery, because I think about what in the ground all around me. At other times, being in one is actually quite peaceful.

Sinophobia: Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture: No, I don't have this fear..it just made me wonder how different my life would be..

Consecotaleophobia: Fear of Chopsticks: This too..

Chronophobia: Fear of clocks or time: I might have a mild fear of this, as a result of my commuting life, mixed with architecture.

Coulrophobia: Fear of clowns: I..I can't be in the same room with one..There's just something about them that scares me so much.

Cyberphobia: Fear of working on computers: I think working on Autocad and Rhino for an X amount of hours, might do this to me.

Herpetophobia: Fear of creepy crawly things: Finally, I know a name for my fear of House Centipedes.

Enissophobia: criticism: Just a mild fear...I...I think...

Enochlophobia: crowds: I think i'm more afraid of what happens when i'm in a crowd..I get really angry/crazy...

Achluophobia: darkness I can't stay in the dark too long by myself..I'm always afraid that some Japanese woman ghost is going to pop out..

Decidophobia: Decisions: making decisions: I get scared of making decisions sometimes. I keep thinking of the consequences of what might happen if I didn't do something this way, or that way..it drives me insane.

Dentophobia: Dentist I'm more scared of what the dentist will tell me than anything. 

Pediophobia: Dolls I hate the dolls that have the huge eyes that seem to follow you whenever you're in the room...they creep me out..

Paralipophobia: Neglecting duty or responsibility. Heh...

Oneirophobia: Dreams: I had a dream where my mom was chasing me with a butcher knife in her hand with a piece of paper in the other. (Maybe it was my report card??) Since then..I get a little scared of my dreams.

Atychiphobia or Kakorrhaphiophobia: Failure: A fear instilled in me by my parents and wooden spoons...

Pteronophobia: Fear of being tickled: Do not tickle me. Eyes may be stabbed or stomachs may be punched...you were warned. I turn into a Hulk version of Tickle Me Elmo.

Phasmophobia: Fear of ghosts: I...I'm really scared of ghosts...Maybe is the question of whether they exist or not that gets to me..however, the idea of something coming out of the dark..gets to me too..

Anablephobia or Anablepophobia: Looking up: I forget I get a little scared of looking up...I'm afraid that somethings gonna fall into my eyes and make me blind..or something like that..

Ligyrophobia: Fear of loud noises: I love loud music..its sudden loud sounds I can't stand.

Polyphobia: Fear of many things I love phobias like these...I don't really know why.

Menophobia: Menstration: I don't think I need to go into detail as to why.

Catoptrophobia: Mirrors: I'm scared of looking into mirrors. I keep thinking that i'll see a ghost standing there or that my reflection will move on its own.

Chrometophobia or Chrematophobia: Money I'm more afraid of losing/spending it..

Arithmophobia or Numerophobia: Numbers: Oh man..I forgot about this fear..I have a slight fear of math..because i'm not so fabulous with it..too many beatings associated with it...::tear::.

Thalassophobia: Fear of the ocean: I love the ocean, but I think i'm more afraid of whats floating around in the water..as someone once said "the fish make love in it.." my mind is really filthy.

Gerascophobia or Gerontophobia: Growing old: I'm scared of growing up. How my body might break down and such. I'm also afraid of seeing the people I love dying before me.

Allodoxaphobia: Opinions: Stop criticizing me!!..i'm kidding..kinda.

Sociophobia: Fear of people: Oh yes..I forget how much people scare me..In New York especially..

Metrophobia: Poetry: I'm more afraid of bad poetry..like..deafness, causing poetry.

Politicophobia: Politicians: Yea.

Cremnophobia: Precipices: I don't like standing on them..

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia: Fear of long words: I don't have this fear..but...I really don't understand how or why they came up with this one...its messed up

Ephebiphobia: Teenagers: High school instilled this fear in me. .::shudder::.

Testophobia: Taking tests: How can I forget about this one...

Topophobia: Stage fright: I used to have this fear...until I was a golden chicken in a school play..more on that later.

Glossophobia: Speaking in public: I hate speaking in public. I get so nervous. If I stay up there for too long, I become a stuttering wreck.

Arachnophobia:Spiders: .::shudder::. something I will never get over.

Syngenesophobia: Relatives: My family scares me. Whats even scarier is that we share some of the same DNA...

So this is all the fears that I have found that I have in me..

and now I am very concerned..

so very concerned...

Day 33: Stories from a Red Book: Entry-Jan 10

(In case you didn't read my earlier entries, which I highly suggest ;D, the Red Book refers to my journal that I kept while I was abroad)


January 10th, 2010 would be the start of a completely different kind of life.


The kind of life I thought I would never get to experience.


But before I would would begin this journey, I didn't know what I would expect. 
The only thing I knew,was that I was really scared. I never been on my own for more than a few weeks.


I remember the days before my flight, I felt like I was in a haze. A lot had happened then, and I was feeling sort of numb. My head caught in some kind of stupor.


I prepared for the trip as diligently as my head could process.

I was afraid of going to Italy, rather than feeling excited. I was afraid that I would feel so alone, but I would be away from my family and friends.The night before I was to depart, my parents helped me pack my things. At this point, I finally understood that leaving would be a reality and I felt really afraid. But then I saw the struggle that my parents had to go through and the support that they were giving me this time, that I just had to smile for them and not look sad.


The next morning was a somber one. I didn't want to leave my bed. I lingered in it for an hour or so. My room and bed had become both a sanctuary and cell that past week. Finally I got up and prepared to clean up a bit more. I did some last minute packing and around 2:30 we left for JFK. I was to take three planes. The first one to Geneva, then to Zurich and then finally Florence. I had to get to Florence on the twelfth to meet up with the rest of the school. The plane to Geneva would leave around 7:15. We arrived there about three hours too early. Thinking that getting through customs and such would take a long time. There weren't many people going to Geneva that day. We sat around by the window watching other planes go by and the sky changing colors as the sun set. I was feeling more and more nervous as the time drew nearer.


Finally it was seven and time to depart. We sort of lingered around the gate until we said our goodbyes. My mom started to tear up and as I hugged my dad, he just said to not forget what he had told me. For some reason, as I walked away from them, I didn't cry or even feel the need to. I teared up a bit but that was really it. I turned around to see where they were standing and found that they had left. 

I think she was joking..

This was the last I would see of them for awhile. It was getting rather exciting. At this point I had to go through the metal detectors. I was kind of panicking about what I had to do. I closely examined what the people in front of me were doing, and I did the same.

I was panicking, since I thought I was taking too long to do all this..


I walked all the way to the other side of the airport, to gate B28..


except...

it was going to Canada.


I checked my ticket..I had made a stupid mistake.


My seat number was B28, my gate number was B22..
which meant I had to go back to the other side of the airport.


When I got there, I saw that there was an hour delay. So I thought I'd just sit down and write
When it was time to board, I dashed to my seat, thinking that if I got there first, i'd be able to get a window seat.


Except...It belonged to someone else.
I guess she saw how excited I was. But she told me that she liked the aisle seat so she didn't have to climb over people when she needed to get out.


I sat there thinking to myself, "Wow this is really it, I'm finally on this plane"
making me feel a lot more tense than usual. I looked out the window of the plane, looking at the nights on the highway. Wondering if my parents were somewhere there.


It was then we were about to take off.
and as I was ascending, I could feel my excitement/happiness going up as well.

It was the greatest feeling. Being in some object thats a jabillion tons, able to fly up into the air like that. Though I'll admit it was unnerving to see the icon of the plane on the screen in front of me, move slowly away from the coast towards the Atlantic Ocean.

My seat neighbor's name was Dina and she made the experience on the plane a lot less lonely. 
I was lucky to have met her. She loved to talk and I preferred to listen.


I learned that being on a plane at night was a lot like being on a bus, except you
re thousands of feet up in the air. It was a long and uncomfortable trip. I kept waking up in the night, looking at the icon of the plane, now completely surrounded by the blue of the ocean.


I think I finally fell asleep around 1:30 but around 2:30, Dina woke me, saying that they were serving breakfast. "What? Now?" I was very confused.


I saw the sky changing color as the sun rose. It was really wonderful to see the mountains and rivers below me. I never saw anything like it.


It was time to descend into Geneva. The view became covered in thick clouds, with only the blue sky and sun visible.  As we descended, I got excited to see the plane going closer to the sea of clouds and seeing the snowy, grey landscape below. 

first this..

then this!...so cool.

It was 10:30am Swiss time, I didn't have any clue what it meant in New York time, except I was out of it. I said good bye to Dina 

My next flight was at 6:00pm...which meant..a lot of time to wait. I thought I would visit the "rest place" that came with the plane ticket. I was told it was free but..I found that it was actually 48 SF to stay. I wasn't quite sure how much that was in American money, but I thought I would rough it up and just sleep on the millions of seats around the airport.


It was...not a pleasant experience.I had tried three different locations. 


First, I thought it would be nice to sleep in front of the huge windows 
but then I felt too self conscious.


The second place was too uncomfortable.

So I decided to go to a more isolated part of the airport and sleep there.

actual photo. slept right there.

It was not the most glamorous experience of my life. I covered myself with my scarf and coat, tightly clutching onto my bag. I woke up every now and then because I was afraid someone was near me...and also because my back was in a lot of pain. I couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to just wander around the airport for another 3 hours. 

I found an internet booth that cost about 5 sf for 30 minutes of internet. I didn't know how to use the keyboard, but to the best of my ability, I was able to type up an email that would make any respecting English Major cry. I felt weird emailing my parents for the first time. I just told them that I safely arrived in Geneva.

It must have been kind of pathetic..seeing me sit there, furiously digging through my pockets for swiss money so that I could finish typing up my email...that was so difficult to do because of that keyboard..

Looking back...I think its just another way for them to make money..

When I saw that my flight wasn't on the intercom, I went to the information desk.

 The attendant looked puzzled at first and without saying a word...(we didn't understand eachother in the first place..)

he ripped up my ticket

...I was shocked for a moment, but then he gave me another one with a cheery smile. I saw that the time had changed, I was going to leave an hour earlier than expected. This was great, but it meant that I only had 10 mins to find my gate.

I ran over to the gate in time and saw that I had the window seat again. 
(I double checked) and felt excited that I was about to fly into a new city. 


Closer and closer to my destination.


(This is end of that day's entry
more to come later ;) )