Day 35: Final Critique Confidence Breakdown Cycle.

As I wrote yesterday's post on phobias...

I really thought about about my fear of speaking in front of people.

Especially during final critiques.

I've always had a fear of speaking in front of people. 

 I get so intimidated by my colleagues and professors that I feel like i'm either going to throw up or faint, right in the middle of my presentation.

So, to help me, I always prepare an outline before I present, so that I don't end up stuttering like a fool towards the end...

But in the end...I always do end up like a fool.

First, I prepare on outline, 

I read it over and over til I get it right.

.

I freak out, all the way through other presentations that I going on.

Whens its my turn, I hum 'Taps' to my myself in my head as I walk up, a big, stupid grin plastered in my face.

Freak out some more, do a quick breathing exercise..

Introduce myself from there..

and things go downhill from there.

I start thinking that I shouldn't have started with talking about the location of the site.

Because 6 other people that already presented, already talked about it. 

"You don't have to talk about it again idiot"

This makes me stutter even more..

When the professors or guest crits ask me a question about my work...

a mixture of a lack of sleep and total nervousness takes over..

and its too much for my brain to process.

I look through my notes. Trying to buy some time so I can think of an intelligent, well conceived answer...

But of course. I say something either really obvious or stupid

something kinda like this..

and in my mind...heart...soul..

I feel like all the work I did during the semester..

the confidence I built up...

vanishes within a few minutes.